I am Having Difficulty Parenting My Toddler

Monday Kickstarters is a working session designed for everyone on the call to figure out how to have conversations worth having when faced with a tough situation, challenge, or problem. The process is based upon the book, Conversations Worth Having.

You can listen live to this session on Vimeo.

Monday, March 15 we discussed three topics:  a new employee having challenges with his boss, a person who is constantly negative about everything, a dad who is struggling with parenting his 3 year old son.

New employee struggling with his boss

A new employee believes his supervisor distrusts him.  He experiences his supervisor as an extreme micro-manager.  The supervisor doesn’t believe he provides her with enough information to develop trust.  In this situation, we decided to begin with generative questions to surface assumptions, make the invisible visible, and deepen understanding between the two people in hopes of finding common ground to work more effectively together. These are questions the new employee can ask himself and his boss:

Insight!

Most of these questions are really good generative questions the employee might ask himself or his supervisor! Make sure your generative question is a “first-person” question: a question I ask myself or I ask the other. Third party questions too often invite us to answer for the other person. Third party questions are usually excellent questions; they just need to be framed for first person responses. For example: “How might his past experiences or biases be impacting what’s possible here?” is a third party question. It invites us to think for the other. Instead, turn it into a question the employee might ask himself or the two people might explore together: “How might my past experiences and biases be impacting what’s possible here?” or “How might our past experiences and biases be impacting what’s possible here?” Another example: “What information does the supervisor need that she’s not getting?” is a third party question. If the employee is afraid to ask the supervisor, it might result in guessing, which could create a lot of unnecessary work for him and still be insufficient. Instead, the employee could ask, “What information do you need or want that you are not getting?”

The Constantly Negative Person

A colleague has noticed another colleague is frustrated by work and home life. The colleague has a negative take on all interactions and responses. Again, we decided to begin by asking generative questions to surface assumptions, make the invisible visible, and deepen understanding as to why this person is so negative.

Dad Struggles with 3 year old Son

The father of 3-year old boy shared with his wife that he does not feel liked by their son. We decided to begin by framing the conversation he might have with himself.

• Name it: Three year old son does not like me.
• Flip it: Three year old son likes me A LOT!
• Frame it: My three year old son loves to spend time, interact, and play with me.
• Two other frames suggested:
  • There is family harmony in the household.
  • Wife and husband collaborate to provide a loving, communicative household.

Other Generative Questions:

• If we invited our three year old to be King for the day, what would he want to do?”
  • Note: This is a third party question. Consider asking the child, “What would you want to do if you could be King for the day?”
• When my son is having a great time with his Mom, what is she doing? What are they doing?
• IMPORTANT QUESTION: Might this be an early childhood developmental stage? How might I find out if it’s not me, it’s just a mommy-thing at this age?
• What literature is out there that might help me understand how to create a great daddy/son relationship at this age?
• What are other fathers doing that seem to work well?