Sarah Silverman: Changing Everything by Changing the Conversation
Jun 23, 2018
I recently learned about Sarah Silverman’ decision to “be nice” (see Drew Magary’s article Sarah Silverman is the Troll Slayer in GQ). If you’re not familiar with Silverman, she is a comedian known for her cutting and politically incorrect humor. She decided that “in this Trump era, our country is too divided” and she would stop feeding the animosity with divisive humor. Instead, she has changed her comic acts and the way she responds to the trolls who attack her on line.
I’m Right, You’re Wrong!
“People are very sure about what is right and wrong until it comes to their front door,” says Silverman. She no longer wants to fuel that divide, instead, she wants to bring it to their front door in a way that unlocks the door. Her goal for her work these days: to get at “the symptoms of why we are where we are.” She has made herself more vulnerable and she aims to make others feel more vulnerable as well. “If we can leave people with just their defenses down, not because we’re going to attack them, but just be a little bit more open, I feel like that’s a good thing. Is that going to change the world? Maybe just a little bit.”
And at least a little bit has changed. An example cited in GQ was her decision not to react to a scathing tweet from Jamrozy. Instead she listened more closely, scanning his tweets for the symptoms behind his tweet. She saw one comment indicating he has severe back pain. So, instead of responding to his racial slurs, she responded with empathy, “You’re in a lot of pain.” This message was so unexpected, it completely disarmed Jamrozy. A very different conversation ensued between them. From that conversation a relationship was nurtured. Silverman has supported him even paying for overdue medical bills related to his back.
Change the Conversation
What did it take for this shift from a destructive conversation to a conversation worth having? Silverman did three things:
- PAUSE, Breathe, decide to be real and vulnerable.
- Ask a question that unlocks something, making room for connection.
- Create a positive frame that says, “I see you; you matter.”
Silverman encourages us not to write anyone off: A conversation that allows people to truly connect has the power to change people. She says, “My job on the show, for me, is not to change minds. It’s to connect.”
I am inspired by Silverman and her simple, yet powerful strategy to shift destructive conversations into conversations worth having, where people connect as human beings. Attack and defensiveness are doors that keep us safe. A simple question can unlock that door.
To learn more about how to turn critical and destructive conversations into conversations that build connection, visit www.conversationsworthhaving.today and read Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement, available at your favorite bookstore or on Amazon.
