Three Steps to Teaching Your Kids How to Have Conversations

These days people say that kids don’t know how to have a conversation anymore. They’re always on their phone and only respond to a text message. 

The good news is you can do something about that. The bad news is it starts with you modeling how to have a conversation worth having!

Kids Do What We Do, Not What We Say

Observe how you engage with members of the family and others when your children are around.

• Are you contributing to meaning conversations by asking questions?
• Are you listening with an open mind, open heart and open will; or waiting to drive home your point, admonish, or instruct?

As parents , it is easy to fall into a pattern of TELLING kids what to do and discounting what they think and feel.

Step One:

When you want to tell…Pause, breathe, and get curious instead.

• What don’t you know?
• What are you curious about.
• What wisdom lies inside your child waiting for you to ask about it?

You will be surprised at how open kids become when they feel valued, heard, seen and respected for their thoughts and feelings. Be the first one to ask generative questions and keep asking them until you know your child feels heard and seen. 

What’s a Generative Question?

Generative questions widen our view and understanding of one another, often changing the way we think and what we see as possible. When people are genuinely curious, they usually ask generative questions that:

• Make the invisible visible. For example, What was the best part of your day today? What are you thinking about doing?
• Create shared understanding. For example, What would you like to have happen? How do you think we should divide up the responsibilities?
• Generate new knowledge. For example, What was one interesting thing you learned today at school? What’s one of your goals for the year?
• Inspire possibilities. For example, How might you make that happen? What three wishes do you have for this weekend?

Step Two:

Encourage a two-way conversation after you are sure they feel seen and understood. They typically are much more willing to hear you out once you've heard them. Teach them to ask back by asking, "May I share what I’m thinking and feeling?" After you share, invite them to ask you questions and then move on using a positive frame for the conversation.

What’s a Positive Frame?

Positive framing is simply talking about what you want instead of what you don’t want. Focusing on desired outcomes that are win-win for everyone involved generates a much more engaging conversation. Here are a few examples:

• I’d like you to enjoy your night out with friends and I’d like to not worry. Let’s talk about how we both get what we want.
• I know you have stuff coming up over the weekend with friends and you have chores that have to be done by Sunday. Let’s talk about your plan for making sure you don’t miss anything with your friends.

Step Three:

Reinforce a sense of curiosity and an outcomes-focused attitude during your dinner table conversations. Encourage everyone to share highpoint stories of the day. Invite each family member to ask questions that help expand the story and deepen their understanding about what made this a highpoint for the storyteller.

Ask everyone what great question they asked today that had a surprising answer.

Play a conversation game that helps everyone recognize they come to any situation with their limited perspective, beliefs, and assumptions. To play this game anyone can share a story or event (from the news, community, school, or even an animal story from social media). Then explore the story asking these questions:

• What don’t we know about ____________ (the situation, individual characters, broader context)?
• What are the facts and what is the story that's been communicated about those facts?
• What else might explain the story or a behavior or situation in the story?
• If we could ask questions to any of the characters, who would you ask and what would you ask them?

Gives points or kudos to anyone who comes up with great insights, creative positive stories, and excellent generative questions.

Send your kids off to school with your love and the advice,

Ask Great Questions!

Anyone can learn to engage in conversations worth having, they simply need to be genuinely curious about others, suspend their judgment, and ask generative questions. To learn more, read Conversations Worth Having and attend a Conversation Bootcamp. Download your free Conversation Toolkit to get started and consider registering for Monday Kickstarters to get help with a challenging conversation.

Shared by Cheri Torres, PhD. I was inspired to write this article when I read "Kids don't know how to have conversations anymore." I wonder whether this is a new issue--the infamous "How was your day? Fine. What happened? Nothing" is generations old. I hear from people who attend our Conversation Bootcamps that the first place they try it is with their kids and they are blown away with the immediate difference it makes. One woman hadn't had a conversation with her adult children in years. When she called and asked generative questions, she said they talked openly for an hour each. She was stunned, realizing that she too often tried to tell them instead of listen. I hope CWH makes a positive difference in your relationship with your children and in your whole family's ability to have conversations worth having!

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