Start the Conversation: You Just Might Save a Life
Oct 24, 2024
I recently read Steve Phillip's LinkedIn post The Conversation that was Never Had about his son who committed suicide. It touched my heart and reminded me again of how many conversations there are worth having that we don't have because we are uncomfortable, afraid we'll make someone else uncomfortable or hurt, or we're afraid we'll be rejected. But isn't it worth the risk if it saves a life?
#WSPD
World Suicide Prevention Day, celebrated annually on 10 September, is organized by the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) and endorsed by the World Health Organization (WHO). The triennial theme for 2024-2026 is "Changing the Narrative on Suicide" with a call to action to "Start the Conversation." The WHO website reads:
"Changing the narrative on suicide is about transforming how we perceive this complex issue and shifting from a culture of silence and stigma to one of openness, understanding, and support. The call to action encourages everyone to start the conversation on suicide and suicide prevention. Every conversation, no matter how small, contributes to a supportive and understanding society. By initiating these vital conversations, we can break down barriers, raise awareness, and create better cultures of support."
Start the Conversation
Each of us has such a powerful tool at our disposal to make genuine connection with another human being: our conversations. Here is a strategy for you to move beyond your discomfort and two simple conversation practices you can use to have a conversation worth having with some who may be considering suicide.
Strategy: Tune in
Your want to start a conversation...but you're worried about how and whether the person even wants to talk to you. Take a moment and tune in: Pause, breathe, and get curious. Pausing and taking a few deep breaths will activate your parasympathetic nervous system, relaxing you. Then get curious. Ask yourself:
- What's the worst that could happen if my effort is rejected?
- What might happen if I don't reach out?
- How might I best show my care and concern?
Practice One: Create a Positive Frame
Make sure the person understands you are reaching out to connect because you care about them. Let them know you'd like to understand what they are going through and what's overwhelming them. Validate their feelings. What might seem minor to you may not be to them. Make it your aim to connect deeply and be a source of compassion.
Practice Two: Ask Generative Questions
Come from a place of care and genuine interest in hearing from and connecting with the other person. Ask questions that allow the person to feel seen, heard, and valued, while being careful to honor their boundaries and respect their privacy. When you ask a question, listen deeply without judgment and with an open heart, open mind and open will. Ask generative questions, which are open-ended (not yes-no):
- Make the invisible visible. These are questions that help surface how someone is actually feeling and what they are thinking about. Don't be afraid to ask if they are thinking about suicide; many people report that it is a relief to talk with someone about it. Without prying, invite them to say more about what is going on, how they are coping, and how you might support them. Respect their experience.
- Create shared understanding. People who feel isolated and disconnected may believe they are the only ones that feel that way. If someone thinks everyone else is confident, secure, and accepted for who they are and they don't, it can be further isolating. The truth is most of us, at least some of the time, experience a sense of loneliness and disconnection. Too many people fake being okay instead of risking vulnerability and admitting they don't have it all figured out. Suicidal thoughts are far more common than any of us know; 20% of people struggle with such thoughts at least once in their life.
- Generate new knowledge. These questions may help you and the other person discover the resources that are available in your area to help. You might learn what they have tried and then together search for other options. Ask questions that generate information about local hotlines, professionals who might help, and online resources. Ask questions that help them stay safe if they reach out online (sadly,not every resource will have their best interests at heart). Search for reputable online sources and check out the resources together.
- Inspire possibilities. When things get bleak, what's possible can shrink down to one option: suicide. Generative questions can widen their view. Questions that invite them to recall better times and what conditions were present during those times may inspire them to see the possibility for recreating those conditions. Asking about what would make life worth living, what would need to happen to bring that about, and how you and they might take steps toward that together may bring a ray of hope.
The most valuable thing you can do is listen. Instead of giving advice, ask questions to help them clarify their experience, their hopes, and the possibilities for what actions they might take.
Make sure you stay safe.
If you are worried about them hurting themselves, stay with them, and...make sure you will be safe in doing so. If that's not possible, call or text 988 in the US or 999 in the UK to reach a crisis counselor. (Check your country or local community for a suicide/crisis hotline number.)
Learn More
A quick online search will reveal a wealth of resources to support anyone considering suicide and all of those who are willing to Start the Conversation.
- The Jordan Legacy, founded by Steve Phillip, provides a wealth of information, support, and guidance.
- The Suicide Prevention Resource Center offers many resources including an online library.
- You can also find guidance and tools on the Samaritans website. The Samaritans offer additional information about how to talk with someone you are worried about, Finding a Way to Say It.
To learn more about Conversations Worth Having, visit our website. If you'd like support figuring out how to Start the Conversation with someone you are concerned about, sign up for our free September Monday Kickstarters.
